Joshua Joy

Joshua Joy

by Lisa Marie Webster

Mysterious life, why did you pass away?

I find it hard to say goodbye to someone that I did not know –even though you were such a part of me.

We didn’t know if you were a girl or boy, so we named you Joshua Joy.

I wonder if you would have looked like your daddy or me.

Would you have had distinctive sparkling green eyes like your daddy’s? –Or deep brown eyes like me.

Would you have been the quiet type or boisterous?

Would you have had hands and feet that look just like your daddy’s? –Your sisters do.

Mysterious life, why did you pass away?

The leaves are falling and so winter is on the way, but winter’s barrenness and death have come to my womb.

My womb was supposed to be a safe place. –Was it hostile towards you?

I feel like I am responsible for your death.

I feel like a failure because I did not carry you to full term.

I also feel like a fool for thinking everything would go well.

My friends and family tell me these statements are not true, and I know this is wise counsel.

There was nothing I could have done to save you.

–Maybe you wouldn’t have survived outside the womb.

Mysterious life, why did you pass away?

I miss being pregnant and the expectations it brings.

A piece of my identity has vanished.  I miss planning for your birth.

I regret that I never felt you move inside of me because you were so small.

Mysterious life, why did you pass away?

Your daddy keeps reminding me that you are in the heavenly Father’s arms.

And, he reminds me that you will never have to experience the pain of this corrupt world.

I know that you are dwelling in the presence of Christ surrounded by the glory of heaven.

How beautiful that must be–beyond my imagination.

I bet the angels sang out a joyous tune when you entered the pearly gates.–You are home.

But still, I wish I could have held you, loved you, and watched you grow.

I will miss you all the days of my life, but someday I will see you in paradise!

I love you,

Mommy