His Grief/Her Grief

This was taken from an email I received from Greg and Nan Wright of Tennessee.  They are offering their words of wisdom and encouragement after experiencing the loss of their son Stephen Wright at age 13.

Dear Tiffany,

In our last correspondence, we talked about the differences between the way men and women grieve. I wanted to make a few more comments, and Nan has attached some comments as well. Here are my thoughts:

Infant/Older Child.

The loss of an infant is very much aggravated by the differences between the father's grief and the mother's grief. At that stage of a child's life, the mother's bonding is much stronger than the father's, whereas their bonding would be more similar with an older child. Therefore, the time and energy required for the mother's recovery after the loss of her baby is going to be longer than the father's because the mother's injury is greater. There was such a large, qualitative difference in my bonding with my son after seven months that I still remember the day it hit me.

Nevertheless, scripture is clear that we should "mourn with those who mourn." The man has a clear responsibility to support his grieving wife, even if his own grieving has stopped.

Many men have trouble being compassionate, and although my wife is very good about communicating what she needs, I still often have trouble understanding. Many men just want to solve problems, and if they cannot solve them, they want either to stoicly endure them or to try to forget them through various distractions. In fact, many men feel threatened when they are confronted with problems that they cannot solve. Consequently, the last thing they want is to be reminded of issues that they are trying to avoid in their quest to "move on." To them, grief seems like a useless giving in to circumstances.

I have had to learn several things:

(1) Grief is a necessary part of the healing process.

(2) Grief is a journey, and God determines the length of the journey and the lessons that will be learned through it.

(3) Men and women grieve differently.

(a) Different times.

(b) Different manifestations.

(c) Different duration.

(d) Different results.

(e) Different expectations.

(f) Different complications.

Three things come to mind as I seek to encourage you:

(1) The sermon Nan and I heard when we were married.

(2) The quality of human comfort vs. God's comfort.

(3) The comments of Maureen Rank, author of "Free to Grieve."

The Sermon.

Clyde Godwin, who was then the pastor of Redeemer Church in Winston-Salem, NC, was famous for his 3-Cs wedding sermons. In fact, we used to joke about them. The three Cs were:

(1) Commitment

(2) Compassion

(3) Communication.

Regarding commitment, especially in the midst of tragedy, we must be determined to preserve and defend our covenant vows--our marriage. A necessary outworking of this commitment is the exercise of love through compassion. Compassion is more than fixing problems; it is walking arm-in-arm with our wives when they are sad, letting them know that we love them and want to share their journey with them. Compassion requires the man to affirm his love before addressing the problem, whereas the man normally thinks of affirming his love "by" addressing the problem. The other area is communication. A marriage will be greatly strengthened if the husband and wife can express their needs to each other in non-threatening ways. This takes time, practice, and an over-arching commitment to love each other unconditionally. In our counseling, Clyde used the book "The Marriage Builder," by Lawrence J. Crabb, Jr.

Human Comfort vs God's Comfort.

While a marriage that is based on the 3-Cs will be a substantial fortress against life's challenges, it important to know that the only true and lasting comfort comes from God. A human can comfort, but only God can heal. A human can encourage, but human encouragement is often either badly timed, excessively sentimental, or full of doctrinal problems. Contrast that with the encouragement we find in God's word and the authority it carries. I found the Psalms and the book of Job to be especially helpful, as well as dusty old hymns that were often the reflections of grieving hearts rising above the debris of shattered lives.

We grieve best when our grief points us towards God. This means you need to persevere in the means of grace, even if God seems deaf to your prayers for a while. Don't stop going to church. Don't stop praying. Search through your Bible as if your life depended on it--your healing does. Sometimes God's greatest lessons are learned during a season of apparent desertion. But those who learn to cling to God during bereavement will come to know God in ways that far exceed the experiences of those who have known God only in the sunshine.

Finally, I wanted to share some comments from Maureen Rank, author of "Free to Grieve." Her book deals more with miscarriages and still births, where the difference between the father and mother's grief is even more pronounced. She has a chapter about how to save your marriage.

(1) Determine that your marriage will be strong.

(2) Note that your grief will be different from your spouse's.

(3) Let others besides your spouse help. Another woman who has gone through a similar experience may be more helpful than a spouse.

(4) Be realistic in what you expect from your spouse. The kind of comfort you really need, only God can give.

Nan's turn.

I can only say a big "amen" to what Greg has written. As in every other part of the Christian's life, our grieving must be God honoring and right in his eyes. That means forgiveness, compassion, patience, and love toward my spouse, family, and friends must still be my daily practice.

During grief, our wounds are sensitive and our emotions are fragile. I found that I had to make a concerted effort to forgive friends and family who often hurt me. They didn't mean to. They simply didn't know what to say or what to do to help me. I did have to lower my expectations of people. I had to learn that the God of All Comfort comforts me.

Tiffany, I know your web site will be helpful to many hurting people. May God continue to bless you and be your strength.

Nan and Greg